Joke #1 Page Started 5/2/2007
SUBJECT: 3 blondes

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to
tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter mumbled, "Blondes!" and banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and banished her to hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is. "Easter is a Christian
holiday that
coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover
feast with His
disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The
Romans
hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind
a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder,
and Jesus
comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."St Peter fainted.

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Joke#2

A young blonde woman in Dubuque, Iowa, was so depressed
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
Mississippi River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the
frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the
edge of the dock, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to
live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can
stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders
and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl
nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in
a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches
and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked."
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained." I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Diamond Jo Casino
and we never leave the dock."
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Joke 18
12 signs you had too much to drink































It doesn't matter how many people see this, just

remember if it made you smile, your friends will smile too!
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Joke 19

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. But the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

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Joke 22
Subject: Our kinda guy!

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Pinot Noir to an

attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Pinot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back....."

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Joke 23
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to
his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the do ctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "Whatin the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS" ************************************************** Joke 24
Subject: Listening Skills
A widowed Jewish lady, was sunbathing on a beach at Boca Raton, Florida, USA
She looked up and noticed that a Man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely" she countered.
Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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Joke 25

The innocence of a child

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?" 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. " 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes." 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" ************************************************* Joke 26 subject: sunburns

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he is in,
the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do him,
doctor?"

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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Joke 27

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy
walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger thingees than his dad
does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back again to the ocean to
play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells
mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the
dumber he gets

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Joke 28

My First Time With a Condom
>
> I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
> I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman
> behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
> She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
>
> I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out
> and slipped over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on
> tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all
> around the store. It was empty. "Just a minute," she said, and walked to
> the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
> unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
> aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that
> all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the
> condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her
> panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't
> have much time."
> So I climbed on her.
>
> It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
> POW, I was done within a few minutes.
>
> She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I
> sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

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Joke 29

Subject: Sam's Boots


>
>>An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, live in Austin, Texas. Sam always
>>wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
>>buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and
>>says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him
>>over, "Nope."
>>
>>Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
>>into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a
>>little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
>>
>>Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down
>>today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again
>>tomorrow."
>>
>>Furious, Sam yells,"AND DO Y OU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?! IT'S
>>HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
>>
>>To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.----- ya shoulda
>>bought a hat."
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Joke 30

Subject: Pharmacology

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example:

The trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin

and

Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts,

it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were:

Mycox afailin,

Mydixadrupin,

Mydixarizin,

Dixafix,

and of course,

Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,

and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,

and it gives new meaning to the names of:

"cocktails",

"highballs"

and just a good old-fashioned

"stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.